Photo:2
Photo:3
Photo:4
Photo:5
Photo:6
Photo:2 Photo:3 Photo:4 Photo:5 Photo:6 |
| Standartenführer Stierlitz | 4>
Vyacheslav Tikhonov as Stierlitz
Standartenführer Stierlitz, alias Colonel Isayev is a character from the Soviet TV series Seventeen Moments of Spring («Семнадцать мгновений весны», based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov about a fictional Soviet intelligence officer who infiltrates Nazi Germany. Stierlitz interacts with Nazi officials Walther Schellenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann, Heinrich Müller. In the jokes he interacts with them as well as with fictional female radio operator Kat, Pastor Schlagg, Professor Pleischner and other characters in the series. Usually two-liners spoofing the solemn style of the original voice-overs, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of overly smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stierlitz.
Müller was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness. "An owl," thought Müller. "You're an owl yourself!" thought Stierlitz.
Stierlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stierlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stierlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stierlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a refrigerator," concluded Stierlitz.
Upon exiting the bar, Stierlitz received a strong blow in the back of the head. Turning around, he saw that it was the pavement.
Stierlitz wakes up to find out he has been arrested. "Who got me? Which identity should I use?" he wonders. "Let's see. If they wear black uniforms, I'll say I'm Standartenführer Stierlitz. If they wear green uniforms, I'm Colonel Isayev". The door opens and a policeman in a blue uniform comes in saying, "You really should ease up on the vodka, Comrade Tikhonov!"
SS men blocked all exits from the building. "Idiots," he thought and went out through the entrance.
Himmler assembled his henchmen for an assessment interview. He called in Eismann. "Eismann, select a number between 0 and 99". "93". "Why 93 and not 39?" "Because I said so." "Very well." Himmler dismissed him and wrote in Eismann's personal dossier: "Character: Nordic." Then, he called in Rolf. "Rolf, select a number between 0 and 99." "46." "Why 46 and not 64?" "If you want it, then it will be 64." "Very well". He dismissed him and wrote down: "Character: nearly Nordic." Then, he called in Stierlitz. "Stierlitz, select a number between 0 and 99." "22." "Why 22 and not... Stierlitz, stop messing with my work!"
Schellenberg drops by for a surprise visit on Stierlitz. To his amazement, he finds him lying on the floor, reeking of alcohol and surrounded by women's undergarments. Schellenberg notices a piece of paper on the table, and reads it: "To Justus. Mission accomplished. You may relax. Center."
One day, Stierlitz wore Red Army uniform, took a Red Flag and marched down Prinz-Albrecht-Straße singing the International. Never has he been so close to failure.
Müller sees Holthoff walking down the street, wearing a helmet. "Holthoff, have you been sent to the front?" "No, Stierlitz invited me for a drink. He told me he is going to open a new bottle of cognac."
"Can you explain, Stierlitz," bellowed Müller, "why your e-mail address is 'stierlitz@rsha.gov.de.alias.justus@gru.su'?"
A man wearing camouflaged uniform and carrying a huge communications set enters Kaltenbrunner's office, saying: "Elephants migrate southwards." Kaltenbrunner groans. "Elephant migrate to hell! Stierlitz's office is downstairs."
The three bears return home. "Someone ate my porridge!" cries Father Bear. "Someone sat in my chair!" cries Mother Bear. "Someone is sleeping in my bed!" cries Little Bear. "Someone is an idiot and sent me the wrong address for the safe house!" Stierlitz thought frantically as he hid under the blanket.
Stierlitz approaches Berlin. The city is veiled in smoke from the fires. "Forgot to switch off the iron again," thought Stierlitz with slight irritation.[1]
Some jokes have also arisen after the colorization of the film in 2009.
[edit] | Tags:List Of References,Related Reading,External Links,Inline Citations,Tone,Jokes,Russian,Transcribed,Anecdotes,Russian Humour,Punch Line,Sex,Politics,Mothers-in-law,Soviet,Untranslatable,Russian Political Jokes,Vyacheslav Tikhonov,Standartenführer,Stierlitz,Colonel,Seventeen Moments Of Spring,Yulian Semyonov,Intelligence Officer,Nazi Germany,Walther Schellenberg,Ernst Kaltenbrunner,Martin Bormann,Heinrich Müller,Plays On Words,Colorization,Poruchik,Rzhevsky,Hussar,War And Peace,Leo Tolstoy,Hussar Ballad,Army Jokes,Fräulein,Natasha Rostova,Riding Boots,Hussars,Catchphrase,Kniaz,Andrei Bolkonski,Fuck,Witticism,Pierre Bezukhov,Russian Mat,Arse,Chamomiles,Cliche,Meta-joke,Glade,Maria Bolkonskaya,Regiment,Cornet,Obolensky,Fragrant Candles,Candlesticks,Sholem Aleichem,Rabinovich,Russian Jew,Otkaznik,Israel,Politburo,Pamyat,Kike,Schnabel,Vladimir Putin,Little Johnny,Cucumber,Blackboard,Dick,Principal,Asshole,Vladimir Lenin,Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev,Red Army,Russian Civil War,Division Commander,1934 Biopic,Commissar,Furmanov,White Army,Frunze Military Academy,Ural River,Caesar,Plastoon,Proletarian,Ballerina,Anniversary,October Revolution,Communism,Horizon,Steppe,Have Sex,Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,Sherlock Holmes,Doctor Watson,The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson,Vasily Livanov,Vitaly Solomin,The Hound Of The Baskervilles,Professor Moriarty,World's Funniest Joke,Fantômas,Golda Meir,Mao Zedong,Mercedes-benz S600,Zaporozhets 968,New Russians,Nouveau-riche,Perestroika,New Russian,Zaporozhets,Argot,Georgians,Crimson,Horns Gesture,Black Sheep, Poruchik Rzhevsky | 4>
Poruchik (Lieutenant) Rzhevsky is a cavalry (hussar) officer, a straightforward, unsophisticated, and immensely rude military type whose rank and standing gain him entrance into disproportionately higher society. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication with widespread use of the French language, Rzhevsky, famous for brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. In the jokes, he is often seen interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. The name is borrowed from a character from a popular 1960s comedy, Hussar Ballad (Russian — «Гусарская баллада»), bearing little in common with the folklore hero. Some researchers point out that many jokes of this kind are versions of 19th century Russian army jokes, and the film contributed to a new series of jokes about Rzhevsky.[2]
There are a number of typical settings in this series.
Rzhevsky's (and supposedly all hussars') view of women as strictly sexual objects.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Fräulein and Poruchik Rzhevsky are all aboard an airplane. Suddenly the plane starts falling and it is revealed that there is only one parachute. Rzhevsky starts putting the parachute on. The Englishman and the Frenchman exclaim: "Poruchik, there is a lady here!". Rzhevsky, looking at his watch nervously, says: "Think we'll have enough time?".
Natasha Rostova asks in a romantic voice: "Poruchik, do you remember your first teacher?". Rzhevsky: "My first one was a nurse".
Rzhevsky's (and supposedly all hussars') nonchalant attitude to love and sex.
Poruchik Rzhevsky is putting his riding boots on and is about to take leave of a charming demoiselle he had met the previous evening. "Mon cher Poruchik," intones the siren, "aren't you forgetting about the money?" Rzhevsky turns to her and says proudly: "Hussars never take money!" — The latter expression (Gusary deneg ne berut!) has become a Russian catchphrase.[3]
He also gives his best advice to other Russian gentlemen on love matters. The Poruchik believes that the most straightforward approach is the most effective one.[2]
Kniaz Andrei Bolkonski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret?" - "It's quite simplement, mon Prince, quite simplement. I just come over and say: 'Madame, would you like to fuck?'" - "But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!" - "Oui, some of them slap, but some of them fuck."[2]
A series of jokes in which Rzhevsky wants to surprise the high society with a witticism, but messes up.
Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Got any new puns for me to tell there?" — "Sure, sir, how about this rhyme: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in Eden...'" — "That's a good one!". Later, at the ball: "Monsieurs, monsieurs! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam boinked Eve at dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve fuck through the night ...' Er... Hell, basically they fuck, but it was absolutement splendid in verse!"
A series of jokes is based on a paradox of vulgarity within the "high society" setting.
Natasha Rostova has her first ball and dances with Pierre Bezukhov: "Pierre, isn't that grease on your collar?"/"Oh my, how could I miss such a terrible flaw in my costume, I'm totally destroyed" (walks away). Then she dances with Kniaz Bolkonsky: "Andrew, isn't there a dip of sauce on your tunic?"/ (Bolkonsky faints). Finally she's dancing with Rzhevsky: "Poruchik, your boots are all covered in mud!"/"It's not mud, it's shit. Don't worry, mademoiselle, it'll fall off once it dries up."
While successful narration of quite a few Russian jokes heavily depends on using sexual vulgarities ("Russian mat"), Rzhevsky, with all his vulgarity, does not use heavy mat. One of his favorite words is arse (which is considered rather mild among Russian vulgarities), and there is a series of jokes where Rzhevsky answers "arse" to some innocent question. (In fact it is typical of poruchik Rzhevsky to make anti-romantic comments in the most romantic situations.[2])
Poruchik Rzhevsky and Natasha Rostova are riding horses together on the countryside. "Poruchik, what a beautiful meadow! Guess what I see there?" — "Ass, mademoiselle?" — "Ouch, Poruchik! I see chamomiles!" (Chamomiles are Russian cliche folk flowers) — "How romantic, mademoiselle! An ass amid chamomiles!.."
The essence of Rzhevsky's peculiarity is captured in the following meta-joke.
Rzhevsky narrates his latest adventure to his Hussar comrades. "...So I am riding through this dark wood and suddenly see a wide, white..." — Hussars, all together: "...arse!" — "Of course not! A glade full of chamomiles! And right in the middle there is a beautiful white..." — Hussars encore: "...arse!" — "How vulgar of you! A mansion! So I open the door and guess what I see?" — Hussars, encore: "An arse!" — Poruchik, genuinely surprised: "How did you guess? Did I tell this story before?"
This topic culminates in the following joke, sometimes called "the ultimate Hussar joke".
Countess Maria Bolkonskaya celebrates her 50th anniversary, the whole local Hussar regiment is invited, and the Countess boasts about her presents. "Cornet Obolensky presented me a lovely set of 50 Chinese fragrant candles. I loved them so much that I immediately stuck them into the 7 seven-branch candlesticks you see on the table. Quite fortunate numbers! Unfortunately there is one candle left, and I don't know where to stick it..." — The whole Hussar regiment takes a deep breath... And the Hussar Colonel barks out: "Hussars, not a word!!!" (The gist of the joke is that every Russian adult knows what the Hussars were tempted to say: "Stick it up your ass!")
[edit] | Tags: Rabinovich | 4>
Sholem Aleichem, the most famous Rabinovich
Rabinovich, is an archetypal Russian Jew. He is a crafty, cynical, sometimes bitter type, hates the Soviet government, often too smart for his own good and is sometimes portrayed as an otkaznik (refusenik): someone who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.
Rabinovich fills out a job application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes, but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"
An acquaintance of Rabinovich runs into him on a Moscow street. Surprised he asks, "Rabinovich, why haven't you emigrated to Israel?" "What for?" replies Rabinovich, "I can feel bitter here just as well!"
Seeing a pompous and lavish burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich sadly shakes his head: "What a waste! I could have buried the whole Politburo with this kind of money!"
Rabinovich calls Pamyat headquarters, speaking with a characteristic accent: "Tell me, is it true that Jews sold Russia?"/ "Yes, of course it's true, Kike-schnabel!"/ "Oh good! Could you please tell me where I should go to get my share?"
This following example explains Vladimir Putin's remark about "comrade wolf" in relation to the politics of the United States[4] that many non-Russians found cryptic:
Rabinovich is walking through the forest with a sheep, when both of them stumble into a pit. A few minutes later, a wolf also falls into the pit. The sheep gets nervous and starts bleating. "What's with all the baaahh, baaahh?" Rabinovich asks, "Comrade wolf knows whom to eat."
[edit] | Tags: Vovochka | 4>
Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Maria Ivanovna, a stereotypical Russian female teacher's name. "Vovochka" is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly diminutive names. This "little boy" name is used in contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, adult, often obscene statements.
In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard: "Children, could someone tell me what is this?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal rushes in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you broke a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a dick on the blackboard?"
The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"
"Mom!" called Vovochka one day. "Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation?" "Yes", said his mother. "What about it?" "Well the last generation has just dropped the custom."
During the Soviet times Vovochka was sometimes associated in the jokes with young Vladimir Lenin. But there are also Vovochka meta-jokes for the contemporary political climate:
Since the election of Vladimir Putin, all jokes about Vovochka shall be considered political.
[edit] | Tags: Vasily Ivanovich | 4>
Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev (Russian: Василий Иванович Чапаев), a Red Army hero of the Russian Civil War, in the rank of Division Commander, was featured in a hugely popular 1934 biopic. Other characters from the biopic like his aide-de-camp Petka (Peter — Петька), Anka The Machine-Gunner (Anna — Анка-Пулемётчица), and political commissar Furmanov, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death; officially and in the book, he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River after a lost battle. Chapayev's character is a charismatic, yet not very intelligent leader of a unit, Petka portrayed as a simple village guy, who draws deep respect toward his Commander and Anka doesn't take active part in the jokes, but, when mentioned, works as a sort of catalyst for the humor. In some sex-orientated jokes, Anka is shown as a slutty cheater, who puts both Petka and Chapayev in comical situations, while dating both of them.
"I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it's a stallion from the 7th cavalry squadron." / "Oh, my bad, Vasily Ivanovich! While you were away, I had him moved to the 6th!"
Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are plastoon-style crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka and Chapayev last. Petka says to Anka, "Anka, you lied about your proletarian descent! Your mother must have been a ballerina -- your legs are so fine!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, must have been a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"
On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)
Chapayev and Anka are married, but Chapayev has to go away for a while. So he mounts on Anka a chastity belt, fitted with a small guillotine. A month later Chapayev returns and lines up his men. Then he orders them: "Everyone who lost their dicks while trying to have sex with Anka, one step ahead!" Everyone but Petka steps up. Chapayev asks: "Petka, didn't you go and try to have sex with Anka?" Petka manages to say with great difficulty: "Yes, I did." (his tongue was sliced)
[edit] | Tags: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson | 4>
Vasily Livanov as Sherlock Holmes
A number of jokes involve characters from the famous novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle about the private detective Sherlock Holmes and his friend Doctor Watson. The jokes appeared and became popular soon after the The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson film series came out on Soviet TV in late 1970s - mid-1980s. In all those movies the characters were brilliantly played by the same actors - Vasily Livanov (as Sherlock Holmes) and Vitaly Solomin (as Dr. Watson). Quotes from these films are usually included in the jokes («Элементарно, Ватсон!» — "Elementary, my dear Watson!"). The narrator of such a joke usually tries to mimic the unique husky voice of Vasily Livanov. The standard plot of these jokes is a short dialog where Watson naïvely wonders about something and Holmes finds a "logical" explanation to the phenomenon in question. Occasionally the jokes also include other characters - Mrs. Hudson, the landlady of Holmes's residence on Baker Street, or Sir Henry and his butler Barrymore from The Hound of the Baskervilles and detective's archnemesis Professor Moriarty.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
This joke won the 2nd place on World's funniest joke contest.
[edit] | Tags: Fantômas | 4>
Some older jokes involve Fantômas, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series Fantômas, which were once widely popular in the USSR. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantômas' talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:
(From the days of Golda Meir) Fantômas sneaks into Mao Zedong's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does have a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantômas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"
[edit] | Tags: New Russians | 3>
Mercedes-Benz S600 (W140)
Zaporozhets 968
New Russians, i.e. the nouveau-riche, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and very popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his archetypal black-colored Mercedes S600 with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircuts, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding the "600 Merc" and showing off their wealth.
A New-Russian's son complains to his father: "Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I look like a black sheep in this 600 Merc." — "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"
"Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." — "You got yourself conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
A new Russian and an old man lie injured side-by-side in an emergency room:
— How did you get here, old fella?
— I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I put my war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engine in it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. My speed was too high, I lost control and crashed into a tree. And how did you get here?
— I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I thought that my car might have broken down and was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out...
[edit] | Tags: Animals | 3>
Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature characters, which draw their roots in the old Slavic fairy tales, where animals are portrayed as sapient beings with a stereotypical behavior, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, the multi-dimensional Hedgehog and the king of animal kingdom, Lion. In the Russian language all objects, animate and inanimate, have a (grammatical) gender - masculine, feminine, or neuter. The reader should assume that the Wolf, the Bear, the Hare, the Lion and the Hedgehog are males, whereas the Fox is a female.
The Bear, the Wolf, the Hare and the Vixen are playing cards. The Bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If anyone is cheating, her smug red-furred face is gonna hurt!"
"If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the Drunken Hedgehog mused philosophically when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliché.)
Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans.
A bunch of animals including a cock are in prison and brag to each other about what they are there for. The cock doesn't take part in this. Someone asks: "And what are you in for?" — "I am not talking to you, criminals. I am a political prisoner!" — "How come?" — "I pecked a Young Pioneer in the arse!"
Often animal jokes are in fact fables, i.e., their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim.
The Hare runs like crazy through a forest and meets the Wolf. The Wolf asks: "What's the matter? Why such haste?" "The camels there are caught and shod!" The Wolf says: "But you're not a camel!" — "Hey, after you are caught and shod, just you try and prove them that you are not a camel!" (This joke is the origin of the popular Russian saying "try to prove you are not a camel" in the sense "try to prove something to someone who doesn't want to listen", used in relation to violations of the presumption of innocence[5] by Russian law enforcement agencies or when someone has to fight the bureaucracy to get official papers proving that one has lost a leg or is even alive.)
[edit] | Tags: The Golden Fish | 4>
Aside from mammals, a rather common non-human is the Golden Fish, who asks the catcher to release her in exchange for three wishes. The first Russian instance of this appeared in Alexander Pushkin's The Tale of the Fisherman and the Fish. In jokes, the Fisherman may be replaced by a representative of a nationality or ethnicity and the third wish usually makes the punch line of the joke.
An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch a Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill two wishes for each for her own freedom:
The American: "A million dollars and to go back home!"
The Frenchman: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!"
The Russian: "Tsk, and we were getting along so well. Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!"
Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal number of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2.87 Soviet rubles, 3 rubles being a convenient price for three men to buy a bottle and have 13 kopecks left for a snack. The classic for the latter was a rectangular pack of soft processed cheese "Druzhba" (Friendship), with that exact price. (the Western equivalent of the cheese would be The Laughing Cow soft cheese). Therefore, a natural company is 3, each contributing 1 ruble. This procedure was dubbed "to have arranged for three (persons)" (Russian: сообразить на троих; soobrazit' na troikh, literal translation: "to have figured out for three"). Much of Soviet folklore is based on this interpretation of the "magic of the number 3".
A similar type of joke involves a wish-granting Genie, the main difference being that in the case of the Golden Fish the Fisherman suffers from his own stupidity or greed, while Genie is known for ingeniously twisting an interpretation of the wish to fool the grantee.
A guy finds an old bottle, picks it up and opens it. Genie comes out of the bottle and says: "Thanks so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?" (Hero of the Soviet Union was the highest Soviet award). The guy says: "Yes, sure!" Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield, alone against eight enemy tanks, and in his hands he has eight grenades. (sometimes there are five German panzers and only three grenades).
A starving thirsty guy crawls in a desert and finds a bottle with genie, who says: "I can make your dream come true! What do you want?" - "I wanna get home!" - "So, let's go" - "No, I wanna get home quickly!" - "So, let's run!"
[edit] | Tags: Drunkards | 3>
A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason with him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 feet away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"
Drunk #1 is slowly walking, bracing himself against a fence and stumbling. He comes across Drunk #2, who is lying next to the fence. "What a disgrace! Lying around like a pig! I'm ashamed for you." "You just keep on walking, demagogue! We'll see what you're gonna do when you run out of fence!"
[edit] | Tags: Policemen | 3>
These often revolve around the supposition that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsioners (policemen) accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.
Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competition of militsia dept. #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 roubles and a ticket to Sochi... The first prize is a portable stop sign. (There are several versions with this punch line about the stop sign. This one depicts a Soviet peculiarity. A portable stop sign allows the militsioner to put it in an unexpected or hard to see place on a road, fine everyone passing it and appropriate most of the fines for himself.)
A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other — how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation for slandering the Soviet Militsiya, Vasya." (A version of this joke involves the third policeman whose sole job is to watch over these two dangerous intellectuals.)
[edit] | Tags: Ethnic stereotypes | 3>
Imperial Russia had been multiethnic for many centuries and this fact has survived on into its successor state, the former Soviet Union. Throughout their history several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often shared with those produced by other ethnicities (usually with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always).
[edit] | Tags: Chukchi | 4>
Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka, the most remote northeast corner of Russia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia — many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (cf. Canadians in American humor, Irish jokes in English humour, Newfie jokes about Newfoundlanders in Canada or jokes about Belgians in France and the Netherlands). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive, uncivilized and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way. A propensity for constantly saying "odnako" — equivalent to "however" depending on context — is a staple of Chukcha jokes. Often a partner of Chukcha in the jokes is a Russian geologist.
"Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" / "Why, is minus fifty Celsius outside yaranga, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge — a warm place, however!"
A Chukcha comes into a shop and asks: "Do you have color TVs?" "Yes, we do." "Give me a green one."
A Chukcha applies for membership in the Union of Soviet Writers. He is asked what literature he is familiar with. "Have you read Pushkin?" "No." "Have you read Dostoevsky?" "No." "Can you read at all?" The Chukcha, offended, replies, "Chukcha not reader, Chukcha writer!" (The latter phrase has become a popular cliché in Russian culture hinting at happy or militant ignorance.)
Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.
A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter!" the Chukcha exclaims. "Ten miles to the yaranga you haul this bear yourself!"
A Chukcha and a Russian geologist meet the bear. Russian misses with his last bullet, and they are starting to escape. Chukcha puts on his skis. "This is useless, even with ski you can't run faster than the bear!" - says Russian. "I don't need to run faster than bear, I just need to run faster than you!"
Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.
A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!" (Hint: "Everything for the Betterment of the Man!" (Vsyo dlya blaga cheloveka!) was from the set of the standard Soviet slogans.)
[edit] | Tags: Ukrainians | 4>
Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, and fond of salted salo (pork back fat), and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.
A Ukrainian and a black sit in a couchette car. Ukrainian takes out salo and starts eating it. Black looks at him. Ukrainian asks: "What, want salo?". Black nods his head, like, yes, I do. "Ah, that's absolutely usual salo. Write to your parents and they will send you it too."
A Ukrainian tourist is questioned at international customs:
— Are you carrying any weapons or drugs?
— What are drugs?
— They make you get high.
— Yes, salo.
— But salo is not a drug.
— When I eat salo, I get high!
A Ukrainian is asked: "Can you eat an entire pound of apples?" — "Yes, I can." — "Can you eat two pounds of apples?" — "I can." — "And five pounds?" — "I can." — "Can you eat 100 pounds?!" — "What I cannot eat, I will nibble!"
Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (derided as Moskali by Ukrainians)
The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "The moskali have flown to space!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me then?"
[edit] | Tags: Georgians | 4>
Armenian Suren Spandarjan (left) and Georgian Joseph Stalin in 1915
Georgians are almost always depicted as stupid, greedy, hot-blooded or sexually addicted, and in some cases, all four at the same time. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words are considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself.
In some jokes, they are portrayed as rich, because in Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running black market businesses. There is a funny expression, that usually in police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality" (Russian: лицо кавказской национальности). Since the Russian word for "person" in the formal sense, (Russian: лицо), is the same as the word for "face", this allows a play on words about "faces of Caucasian nationality". In Russia itself, most people see "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. Many jokes about Georgians are being recently retold in terms of "New Russians".
A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47 rifle and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with a blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Lisssn here genatsvale: no any Israel-Misrael; fly Moscow nonstop – my roses are fading!"
In the zoo, two girls are discussing a gorilla with a huge penis: "THAT's what a real man must have!" A Georgian passer-by sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken. THIS is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet.
[edit] | Tags: Armenians | 4>
Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing some of the stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio, usually telling political jokes. Many jokes are based on word play, often combined with the usage of Southern accent and consequent misunderstanding between the characters.
An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, treasure the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because once they are dealt with, we will be next."
[edit] | Tags: Estonians and Finns | 4>
Estonians and Finns are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn, taciturn and especially slow. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of long vowels and consonants both in speech and orthography (e.g. words such as Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action. In the everyday life a person may be derisively named a "hot Estonian fellow" (or, in similar spirit, a "hot-tempered Finnish bloke", a phrase popularized by the 1995 Russian comedy Peculiarities of National Hunt) to emphasize tardiness or lack of temperament. Indeed, Estonians play a similar role in Soviet humor to that of Finns in Scandinavian jokes.
Finnish political scientist Ilmari Susiluoto, also an author of three books on Russian humor, writes that Finns and Russians understand each other's humor. "Being included in a Russian anecdote is a privilege that Danes or Dutchmen have not attained. These nations are too boring and unvaried to rise into the consciousness of a large country. But the funny and slightly silly, stubborn Finns, the Chukhnas do."[6]
An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnooow iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."
A special offer from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.
"I told some Estonian blokes that they're slow." / "What did they reply?" / "Nothing, but they beat me up the following day. "
A Finnish family - parents and two brothers - goes to the countryside in their car. Suddenly some animal crosses the road in front of the car and runs away into the forest. After an hour one brother says: "It is a fox!". After another hour the second brother says: "No, it is a wolf!". After two hours the father replies: "Well, you still have to fight, hot Finnish guys!".
Finns share with Chukchi their ability to withstand cold:
At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At -20, Austrians fly to Málaga, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -200, hell freezes over and Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "Perkele, a bit chilly today, isn't it?".[6] (This joke predates the event, deemed impossible, of Finland actually winning the contest, in 2006.)
[edit] | Tags: Jews | 4>
Jewish humour is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, largely based on the Jews' self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. As some Jews say themselves, Jewish jokes are being made by either anti-Semites or the Jews themselves. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humour both in Russia and elsewhere in the world (see Jewish humor). The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish accent (stretching out syllables, parodying the uvular trill of "R", etc.) and some peculiarities of sentence structure calqued into Russian from Yiddish.
Abram cannot sleep, tossing and turning from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Abram, what's bothering you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Abram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Now go to sleep and let Moishe stay awake!"
An Odessa Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein has won the Nobel Prize?" / "Oh, what for?" / "He developed this Relativity theory." / "Yeah, what's that?" / "Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Five hairs in your soup is relatively many." / "And for that he gets the Nobel Prize?!"
Abram went to synagogue and asked rabbi: "Rebbe, my son became Christian! What should I do?" / "Don't worry, Abram. I'll ask God about it, come back to me tomorrow." The next day, Abram goes to rabbi again: "So? What God said?" / "I'm sorry, I can't help you. God has the same problem."
[edit] | Tags: Chinese | 4>
Russian stereotypes about Chinese people are probably the same as in Western world. Common jokes center on the size of the Chinese population, the Chinese language, and the perceptions of the Chinese as cunning, industrious, and hard-working. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that the Chinese are capable of amazing feats by primitive means, such as the Great Leap Forward.
"During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."
"Chinese hackers cracked Pentagon's server. Each of them tried to login with the password "Mao Tse-Tung". On the 2,934,568th attempt the server agreed."
"When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn." (see Chinese names)
The first report of the first Chinese human spaceflight: "All systems operational, boiler-men on duty!"
A good deal of the jokes are puns based on the fact that a widespread Chinese syllable (spelled "hui" in pinyin) sounds very similar to the obscene Russian word for penis . For this reason since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most embarrassing case probably being the word "socialism" (社会主义; pinyin: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as шэ-хуй-чжу-и.
A new Chinese ambassador is to meet Gromyko. When the latter enters, the Chinese presents himself: "Zhui Hui!" Gromyko, unperturbed, retorts "Zhui sam!" The surprised Chinese asks: "And where is Gromyko?" (The pun is that "zhui hui!" (a mock Chinese name) means "chew a dick!" in Russian and "zhui sam" means "chew [it] yourself").
Сунь Хуй в Чай Вынь Пей Сам, Sun' Huy v Chay Vyn' Pey Sam, (literally meaning "Dip [your] penis into tea, withdraw [and] drink [it], yourself") is a made-up "Chinese name" that is analogous of the English Who Flung Dung. Most suitable English imitation sounds like "Dip Dick Tea, Back, You Drink". There is another variation of this joke about two Chinese persons: Сунь Хуй в Чай ("Sun' Huy v Chay") and Вынь Су Хим ("Vyn' Su Him"), which can be translated as "Dip [your] penis into tea" and "Take [it] out dry", where a word "сухим" ("suhim" - meaning "dry") is divided into two syllables "су" ("su") and "хим" "him")
[edit] | Tags: Russians | 4>
Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two Westerners, like a Pole, German, French, American or Englishman, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his less naive Western counterparts. Another common plot is a Russian holding a contest with technologically superior opponents (usually, an American and a Japanese) and winning with sheer brute force or a clever trick.
A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it and the cannibals eat him. The Frenchman asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (Side note: This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, alluding to Israel's being constantly afraid of being seen as the 'aggressor') This joke is also based on a stereotypical Russian warfare, when they are first being hit hard by an enemy, but then retaliate and win.[citation needed] See Tatar-Mongol invasions, Napoleonic Wars and Great Patriotic War.
A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Don't be a smart-ass," says the captain, "just point your finger!"
A Frenchman, a Japanese and a Russian were trapped by Tzar. He locked them in a closed chamber and asked to surprise him using three steel balls – the winner will be released, the others will be executed. In a week the Frenchman demonstrates a juggle with the balls. The Japanese has created a rock garden. The Russian sits sad in his chamber with only one ball in his hands. The Tzar asks him: "Why are you so sad and where are the other balls?". The Russian answers: "One broken, one lost".
[edit] | Tags: Puns | 2>
Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on puns.
(L) The genitive plural of a noun (used with a numeral to indicate five or m | Tags: List Of References,Related Reading,Websites related to: Funny Exam Answers |